getting older in your young adult years
(Originally on Dreamwidth)
As I mentioned in our previous post, I'm spending time with our grandparents. Despite this, I can see why our sister doesn't, really. I feel like I'm being infantilized a little bit, even though I am their grandkid. Maybe it's the spoiling. I don't really like being spoiled with material things (unless it's related to one of our special interests, but getting anything relating to those happens zero times these days and often I spend my own money to obtain these things). It's this weird thing, something that I've been a little late to experience.
Getting older in your young adult years is a trip and a half. Besides the romanticized part known as having alters, we live with a complex dissociative disorder that developed because of repeated childhood trauma. In our case, the abuse happened at school. But this also means that we've fallen behind in a lot of ways. But even some people a couple years older than me act like teenagers, so maybe I'm doing okay. But then I remember that everyone I know has friends from high school that they hung out with outside of school. We never had that, but then again in high school we didn't have a life that wasn't school. Friends coming over was extremely rare, and was either on weekends or over the summer and had to be planned in advance. I had an extracurricular every single day, ran XC/track so even had some meets on weekends. I never really had much time to myself. If our mother could police every hour out of our life, she would. A full schedule and forced masking to look like a cishet neurotypical creates burnout, burnout prevents the act of finding yourself through genuine communication. I never felt a genuine connection with other people until we entered college, then our friends asked us about our feelings. The identifying and talking about our feelings/opinions muscle was horrendously weak, and it's something we've had to work on for a very long time. I daresay we're still working on it today.
The worst part is the environment. I'm sure everyone knows that the United States is a shitshow right now, and I live there. Sometimes I wish I didn't. The infantilization is the worst part. Everyone wants to tell me what to do with my life, to the point that when we buzzed our hair, mother complained about our grandmother on our father's side who drank the orange kool-aid, as if it was more about what grandmother thought rather than our actual mother who actually raised us (although our mother is equally transphobic and probably used that as an excuse). I'm so sick of being painfully molded to fit others' expectations. Tired of being treated like an object.
When does it end and when do I get to grow up?
fucking whatever I want a job I want T and I want all the clothing and accessories I bookmarked in my browser. fishhook earring with a tow mater shirt would go hard af. git-r-done