30 Days of Dissociative Identity Disorder: Day 04 (Part 1)
(Originally on Tumblr)
Salut, it's Ray! Did you know that 4 August was our 5th system anniversary? It's not the day our system was made, that was a long long time ago, but it is the day that we discovered our system. We have relapsed a little bit in terms of recovery: with current events and our geopolitical location (Midwest USA) making it a cesspool for fascists and ultra right-leaning weirdos to harass us unchecked (thanks for caving, state college system! I'll see you in hell, fuckers), we've been unable to communicate with our system effectively.
Dealing with the past is impossible when you are tormented by the present.
Still, we are continuing our ask series (which is hilarious, considering no one asked), in hopes of sharing a more grounded experience as a young person with DID in the present day (also hilarious, as trauma makes me (Ray) act out sometimes (I would say I can't help it but that's a cop-out)).
Anyway, here's a new one! Questions courtesy of CatalyticConvergence over on WordPress. We've had to split this into two parts due to the length of our answers and how broadly the question can be interpreted. This first part deals with relationships outside of the system. We were in a relationship once before, but it was so bad, so don't read if you're not in the mindset for this kind of stuff.
Are you or any of the others in a relationship in or out of the system? How does dating work for you if you do it?
I'm not going to sugarcoat it.
In today's chronically-online post-pandemic age where people are sold hyper-specific fantasies that convince them they can just mold other people into whoever they want for their own pleasure with no respect for autonomy or who the person really is, dating as a system feels literally impossible, particularly among young people today such as myself.
I've only been in one relationship outside of the system that was actually official. The red flags were there from the beginning. To be brief, everything that we are and do as an independent person seemed to be offensive to them. They didn't like us being an individual separate from them, or having a life outside of them.
Most egregiously, and social media is to blame for this, they treated our DID like a party trick. When we first started dating, they told us they would love all of our alters. But when more masculine alters started fronting, they became uncomfortable with us. Clearly they only wanted to date Daray and no one else.
But that's not how dating a person with DID works. We can't switch on command. You don't get to pick and choose who's fronting for your own benefit. And for fuck's sake, Mater's accent is not funny. Then again, they think rural folk are stupid so what the fuck was I thinking, right? Becoming the boot is not how you fix bigotry, dumbass.
I know there are good people out there who would see me as a person and not an object or a plaything. But after this disaster, I need a break. And in the future, I need maturity, not this tboy fetish nonsense.
So yeah. Dating as a system, a chore. Dating while autistic, a mindgame. Dating while FtM, Sisyphus rolling that stone up the hill. Dating... you get the gist. Add to queue.
Ciao,
-Ray